More like bloody off white if you ask me, disgusting, wouldn't catch my Tina reading it. If I did that would be it, she can pack her bloody bags and go Female sexual fantasy more like the filth you'd find on the top shelf at the back of the news agents in Cricklewood High Street, next to the shampoo shelf. They call it 'erotica' when a woman writes it, have you seen her? She's no spring chicken expect she has to be creative in the writing department to make up for lack lustre rumpy-pumpy in the bedroom.
Had two women in the back of the cab going on about it yesterday afternoon after I picked them up from a boozy lunch. 'Wish Roger would tie me to the bed post and spank me, I keep asking him but all he does is look a bit sheepish and turns up his Jeremy Clarkson dvd and watches cars explode'. The other one who had ten years on her went a bit quiet and then giggled; 'that guy's got nothing on Tim. He makes me dress up as a nurse and tend to his needs - if you know what I mean and you wouldn't want to know what they are'.
Glad they got out at South Ken station my mind was wandering too far and too fast. Not that Tina's had any complaints in the past, not much going on now because of the bloody prostate op- but back in the day. Once a week regular on Sunday's after a full roast and a couple of pints up the The Bull, mind you she did always seem keen to have it over and done with by the time The Antiques Roadshow was on.
Long live romance.
Friday, 13 July 2012
Tuesday, 10 July 2012
Blooming rain...
Rain, rain go bloody away and don't come back another day.
We all know soon as they said 'hosepipe ban' that it would be the St Swithin's Day scenario all over again.
I know we expect rain in this green and pleasant land but this is ridiculous. Mind you, suited me to start off with, more in the back of the cab; can't be arsed to walk if it means getting wet can they. But this is beyond a joke - what about golf, my only let off from the constant nagging from her indoors, the delectable Tina. Can't even use golf as an excuse for a swift session at the local. Too bad she knows I am a fair weather Jack Nicklaus.
More's to the point - what about the bloody wedding on Saturday I've forked out my bloody life savings for. Marquee in the garden she says, impresses the neighbours no end. Our Shelley's no oil painting but wellington boots on your nuptials is not a good look on anyone.
Just looked at the forecast, more of the bleeding same. I suppose we'll have to carry on regardless, stiff upper lip and Pimms on tap.
Mind you there could be a light at the end of the proverbial rainbow. If we have a thunderstorm that'll keep Tina away from anything electrical, including the karaoke mike. No more renditions of the oh so appropriate It's Raining Men.
We all know soon as they said 'hosepipe ban' that it would be the St Swithin's Day scenario all over again.
I know we expect rain in this green and pleasant land but this is ridiculous. Mind you, suited me to start off with, more in the back of the cab; can't be arsed to walk if it means getting wet can they. But this is beyond a joke - what about golf, my only let off from the constant nagging from her indoors, the delectable Tina. Can't even use golf as an excuse for a swift session at the local. Too bad she knows I am a fair weather Jack Nicklaus.
More's to the point - what about the bloody wedding on Saturday I've forked out my bloody life savings for. Marquee in the garden she says, impresses the neighbours no end. Our Shelley's no oil painting but wellington boots on your nuptials is not a good look on anyone.
Just looked at the forecast, more of the bleeding same. I suppose we'll have to carry on regardless, stiff upper lip and Pimms on tap.
Mind you there could be a light at the end of the proverbial rainbow. If we have a thunderstorm that'll keep Tina away from anything electrical, including the karaoke mike. No more renditions of the oh so appropriate It's Raining Men.
Saturday, 7 July 2012
Who can you count on
Libor , Labour, Liberal funny how they all sound similar, confuses the hell out of me. Does anyone bloody understand it at all. Bankers we all know rhymes with wan.......s so does it surprise us then to find that there have been even more dingy dirty dealings?
I've been known to avoid paying bloody income tax by putting through a dodgy expenses and petrol receipts. But who I am harming? What am I saving? a few measly hundred.
These boys are in it for the big bucks - have them in the back showing off about their bar bills and birds in the private members' clubs. Mind you they tip well, like to throw their money around.
I bank with the big blue have done for 40 years, you do don't you; once you get a bank you can't be arsed to change, who else would want my overdraft? They're all the bloody same aren't they, Tina went on about the Co-op bank once thought she could get some sort of divvy on her paltry 'Hair at Home' money and they were 'ethical'. Told her not to bloody worry I'm 'sure she doesn't even understands what ethics are when they're at home.
Makes you feel even smaller any insignificant in the bloody scheme of things, The common man that's me I suppose - what do I count. Someone tells me the interest rate goes up, goes down, I just go along with it, have to, like the rest of the lemmings.
This Libor thing is all about hiking the interest rates between banks so they pay each other more, you scratch my back I scratch your back even harder - if you know what I mean. Whose money are they doing it with though - Our bloody money. I'm beginning to think those protesters camping outside St Paul's had it right, and not just a bunch of lay-a-bouts. They wanted things to change, they knew it was all corrupt not just a few mortgages somewhere in the Florida outback going tits up.
When the shit really hits the fan who gets trodden on - us fucking lot not the nobs and barrow boy bankers. That two man tent in the shed might get some bloody use after all.
I've been known to avoid paying bloody income tax by putting through a dodgy expenses and petrol receipts. But who I am harming? What am I saving? a few measly hundred.
These boys are in it for the big bucks - have them in the back showing off about their bar bills and birds in the private members' clubs. Mind you they tip well, like to throw their money around.
I bank with the big blue have done for 40 years, you do don't you; once you get a bank you can't be arsed to change, who else would want my overdraft? They're all the bloody same aren't they, Tina went on about the Co-op bank once thought she could get some sort of divvy on her paltry 'Hair at Home' money and they were 'ethical'. Told her not to bloody worry I'm 'sure she doesn't even understands what ethics are when they're at home.
Makes you feel even smaller any insignificant in the bloody scheme of things, The common man that's me I suppose - what do I count. Someone tells me the interest rate goes up, goes down, I just go along with it, have to, like the rest of the lemmings.
This Libor thing is all about hiking the interest rates between banks so they pay each other more, you scratch my back I scratch your back even harder - if you know what I mean. Whose money are they doing it with though - Our bloody money. I'm beginning to think those protesters camping outside St Paul's had it right, and not just a bunch of lay-a-bouts. They wanted things to change, they knew it was all corrupt not just a few mortgages somewhere in the Florida outback going tits up.
When the shit really hits the fan who gets trodden on - us fucking lot not the nobs and barrow boy bankers. That two man tent in the shed might get some bloody use after all.
Thursday, 5 July 2012
More fuss about this divorce than bloody world war 2, of course if you've got millions, links to Atlantis and daughter with a wierd name you're bound to attract publicity. That's where me and Tina got it wrong with our 'Sarah', they're two a penny, well not so popular now, too bloody ordinary. Tina said it sounded real and down to earth. Well I suppose she is really compared to these starlets, nothing surgically enhanced to speak of and the only thing hanging off her arm is likely to be an Asda carrier bag.
I see them all the back of the cab - they seem to think I'm invisble the things they get up to, a quick snort here a sniff there, even do their nails and stink the cab out.
I told Sarah straight when she hit 14; do what you bloody like outside this house, inside it you abide by my rules. (had to make some up quick didn't I)' skirt half-way up her backside and half a bottle of vodka peeping out of her bag. Didn't make my difference she was up the duff at 16 and living at home with Craig the beatbox impressario with another on the way at 17.
Ask my opinion marriage isn't what it is cracked up to be but you do need to make a bit of a bleeding effort, at least live in the same country for God's sake. Thirty years in Bermondsey hasn't done me and Tina any harm at least wandering home after a night at the Builder's Arms means I'm on auto-pilot. Tina goes on about drinking and driving but it doesn't count if your on home turf does it?
If they want my advice I'd give it another go, the grass may look greener but once you get close the dog shit still stinks.
I see them all the back of the cab - they seem to think I'm invisble the things they get up to, a quick snort here a sniff there, even do their nails and stink the cab out.
I told Sarah straight when she hit 14; do what you bloody like outside this house, inside it you abide by my rules. (had to make some up quick didn't I)' skirt half-way up her backside and half a bottle of vodka peeping out of her bag. Didn't make my difference she was up the duff at 16 and living at home with Craig the beatbox impressario with another on the way at 17.
Ask my opinion marriage isn't what it is cracked up to be but you do need to make a bit of a bleeding effort, at least live in the same country for God's sake. Thirty years in Bermondsey hasn't done me and Tina any harm at least wandering home after a night at the Builder's Arms means I'm on auto-pilot. Tina goes on about drinking and driving but it doesn't count if your on home turf does it?
If they want my advice I'd give it another go, the grass may look greener but once you get close the dog shit still stinks.
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