Hard to put pen to paper on this one - still in shock from the news of the great lady's demise. It bought a tear to my eye when I heard, I knew she was frail but somehow thought she would be with us for a few more years.
Maggie, Margaret, Baroness Thatcher how do I name her - it seemed her name grew in stature as she did. But I had in her in the back of the cab once; not just her, Denis was there.
The greatest day of my life - they were on the way to a do at RAC club; something to do with a Falklands celebration and normal driver was late. She was just like you think - kept telling Denis they would be late and he told her not to bloody fuss.
I wouldn't be doing what I do today and living in Brentwood if it hadn't been for her; my parents bought their council flat in Islington and sold it at a profit and lent me the money to buy my first cab. Got a 100% mortgage no questions asked mortgage for our home sweet home and Tina even had her hair done like hers - don't mind telling you that was quite a turn on; specially when she called my name in her Maggie deepened tones.
The only politician with any balls since Churchill; I haven't got much time for any of the new Tory birds, all shiny shoes and no bloody backbone.
Just caught a glimpse of Glenda Jackson on the parliamentary tributes - she's got a cheek, how can she compare to such a real woman. These actor types are always leftie.
But what takes the biscuit is people downloading the 'witch is dead' song - no bloody respect. Yes she closed a few mines and factories and let the banks have a free hand.
Hasn't does us much harm though has it?
Wednesday 10 April 2013
Sunday 31 March 2013
Ted Fumes is back
Easter Day 2013 - back in the land of the living, I've been off with heart problems you see.
Never 'd guessed to look me a fine figure of a man, slim as a reed ha ha. Well I am a bleeding cabbie.
Her indoors told me to take it easy don't go getting your blood pressure up again. So putting pen to paper or fingers to keyboard was off limits but I had to say something today of all days.
Where have all the bunnies gone? It's bloody Easter and not a one in sight. Still got your lambs (either on the plate or in the snowy, yes snowy fields - April Fools tomorrow!)
Must be those bloody foxes insidious little bastards parading out streets in gangs as soon as its dark ; caterwauling at dawn with their earthly desires and destroying our bunnies before our very eyes.
I think its illegal to polish them off but they're even starting to attack our children in their beds or even babies in cots; much to comfortable if you ask me. Its us or them and I've had a good idea. Let's set up fox vigilante groups catch them at their own game at night - we won't kill them but cover them in sacks; into the back of a van and set them free in the country somewhere close to Ewell. Lets see if they can make it back where they belong; not for long me thinks, those black leopard type cats everyone keeps spotting will have 'em.
Never 'd guessed to look me a fine figure of a man, slim as a reed ha ha. Well I am a bleeding cabbie.
Her indoors told me to take it easy don't go getting your blood pressure up again. So putting pen to paper or fingers to keyboard was off limits but I had to say something today of all days.
Where have all the bunnies gone? It's bloody Easter and not a one in sight. Still got your lambs (either on the plate or in the snowy, yes snowy fields - April Fools tomorrow!)
Must be those bloody foxes insidious little bastards parading out streets in gangs as soon as its dark ; caterwauling at dawn with their earthly desires and destroying our bunnies before our very eyes.
I think its illegal to polish them off but they're even starting to attack our children in their beds or even babies in cots; much to comfortable if you ask me. Its us or them and I've had a good idea. Let's set up fox vigilante groups catch them at their own game at night - we won't kill them but cover them in sacks; into the back of a van and set them free in the country somewhere close to Ewell. Lets see if they can make it back where they belong; not for long me thinks, those black leopard type cats everyone keeps spotting will have 'em.
Liverpool 0 Ted Won
Forgot to tell you what happened to me - got to the hospital after the heart attack, not that I remember much apart from Tina screaming he's gone purple do something over and over to the paramedics.
Put me in intensive care straight away, tubes in all my orifices and a mask over my face. She even put a picture of me on Face book, can you believe it? I think it was to get the girls to realise the severity of my condition or it could have been to get a record number of likes.
After I had stabilised it was tests, and more bloody tests followed by a quadruple bypass, knew I should have cut down on the donuts and sneaky Kentucky fries and followed her example but can you see me at weight watchers followed by Zumba at the town hall. Nor can I.
That's when I heard about the Liverpool pathway; I was just coming round back on the ward and I though the doctor was taking to the nurse about the latest football results as it was the weekend when it all happened. Bloody cheek I thought there's me at death's door and they're talking about bleeding football.
I had it wrong didn't I they had decided in their medical wisdom that not a great deal more effort should be put my way. I was on the Liverpool pathway, not bleeding likely. I thought it was called the National Health Service not a fast-track to the incinerator . Well I bloody showed them. Once I came round with Tina there I told them straight; if I needed the ER electric pads, get you going again injections or mouth to mouth. I wasn't fussy let the newest non-English speaking doctor give it a go. Look at the way they're treating Nelson Mandela and he's bloody 90 odd! I want the same service here. We're not a third world country and I might not have freed a people from persecution but I have bloody well paid my NI for 40 years.
That got them going - having Tina there helped. I felt sorry for those older buggars with no visitors. Meal-time was worst I was on the ward with four old guys all pretty frail; their meals were plonked by them and they were expected to be able to eat them; lucky Tina was there and the girls as they usually ended up spooning it in. It brought tears to my eyes.
Glad I got through it - allowed back to work next week. If you can afford private healthcare bloody get it,
Put me in intensive care straight away, tubes in all my orifices and a mask over my face. She even put a picture of me on Face book, can you believe it? I think it was to get the girls to realise the severity of my condition or it could have been to get a record number of likes.
After I had stabilised it was tests, and more bloody tests followed by a quadruple bypass, knew I should have cut down on the donuts and sneaky Kentucky fries and followed her example but can you see me at weight watchers followed by Zumba at the town hall. Nor can I.
That's when I heard about the Liverpool pathway; I was just coming round back on the ward and I though the doctor was taking to the nurse about the latest football results as it was the weekend when it all happened. Bloody cheek I thought there's me at death's door and they're talking about bleeding football.
I had it wrong didn't I they had decided in their medical wisdom that not a great deal more effort should be put my way. I was on the Liverpool pathway, not bleeding likely. I thought it was called the National Health Service not a fast-track to the incinerator . Well I bloody showed them. Once I came round with Tina there I told them straight; if I needed the ER electric pads, get you going again injections or mouth to mouth. I wasn't fussy let the newest non-English speaking doctor give it a go. Look at the way they're treating Nelson Mandela and he's bloody 90 odd! I want the same service here. We're not a third world country and I might not have freed a people from persecution but I have bloody well paid my NI for 40 years.
That got them going - having Tina there helped. I felt sorry for those older buggars with no visitors. Meal-time was worst I was on the ward with four old guys all pretty frail; their meals were plonked by them and they were expected to be able to eat them; lucky Tina was there and the girls as they usually ended up spooning it in. It brought tears to my eyes.
Glad I got through it - allowed back to work next week. If you can afford private healthcare bloody get it,
Tuesday 25 September 2012
Christmas bloody Christmas!
Went to the local for a pint last night - straight in the door and there it was 'Thinking about your Christmas Meal - think about having it at the Bricklayers'Arms'. Christmas bloody Christmas I'm still getting some wear out of my shorts for heavens sake. Who wants to think about bloody Christmas... here we go again. Whose hosting the lunch, what about presents, have you booked the time off?
If it was up to me we'd abolish the whole bloody event; with all the religious festivities to choose from why do we settle for December 25th as the only bloody day people are remotely civil to one another?
Cancel it and save the money - isn't there a recession on.
Of course Tina doesn't agree, she can't wait to waste more of my hard-earned money. 'Ted' she says I 've just seen this course at the local college where you can make your own Christmas cards, wouldn't it be lovely if we could do one including a photo of the family round the tree?' Who does she think we are bloody royalty, who wants a photo of a couple of overweight oldies, a son who looks like he needs a bloody shave and a Cheryl Cole wannabee with over tight stretch leggings sporting bleeding antlers.
Only redeeming feature of the visit to the local was the new guest ale 'yuletime winter warmer' mine's a pint -
If it was up to me we'd abolish the whole bloody event; with all the religious festivities to choose from why do we settle for December 25th as the only bloody day people are remotely civil to one another?
Cancel it and save the money - isn't there a recession on.
Of course Tina doesn't agree, she can't wait to waste more of my hard-earned money. 'Ted' she says I 've just seen this course at the local college where you can make your own Christmas cards, wouldn't it be lovely if we could do one including a photo of the family round the tree?' Who does she think we are bloody royalty, who wants a photo of a couple of overweight oldies, a son who looks like he needs a bloody shave and a Cheryl Cole wannabee with over tight stretch leggings sporting bleeding antlers.
Only redeeming feature of the visit to the local was the new guest ale 'yuletime winter warmer' mine's a pint -
Friday 13 July 2012
50 shades of grey
More like bloody off white if you ask me, disgusting, wouldn't catch my Tina reading it. If I did that would be it, she can pack her bloody bags and go Female sexual fantasy more like the filth you'd find on the top shelf at the back of the news agents in Cricklewood High Street, next to the shampoo shelf. They call it 'erotica' when a woman writes it, have you seen her? She's no spring chicken expect she has to be creative in the writing department to make up for lack lustre rumpy-pumpy in the bedroom.
Had two women in the back of the cab going on about it yesterday afternoon after I picked them up from a boozy lunch. 'Wish Roger would tie me to the bed post and spank me, I keep asking him but all he does is look a bit sheepish and turns up his Jeremy Clarkson dvd and watches cars explode'. The other one who had ten years on her went a bit quiet and then giggled; 'that guy's got nothing on Tim. He makes me dress up as a nurse and tend to his needs - if you know what I mean and you wouldn't want to know what they are'.
Glad they got out at South Ken station my mind was wandering too far and too fast. Not that Tina's had any complaints in the past, not much going on now because of the bloody prostate op- but back in the day. Once a week regular on Sunday's after a full roast and a couple of pints up the The Bull, mind you she did always seem keen to have it over and done with by the time The Antiques Roadshow was on.
Long live romance.
Had two women in the back of the cab going on about it yesterday afternoon after I picked them up from a boozy lunch. 'Wish Roger would tie me to the bed post and spank me, I keep asking him but all he does is look a bit sheepish and turns up his Jeremy Clarkson dvd and watches cars explode'. The other one who had ten years on her went a bit quiet and then giggled; 'that guy's got nothing on Tim. He makes me dress up as a nurse and tend to his needs - if you know what I mean and you wouldn't want to know what they are'.
Glad they got out at South Ken station my mind was wandering too far and too fast. Not that Tina's had any complaints in the past, not much going on now because of the bloody prostate op- but back in the day. Once a week regular on Sunday's after a full roast and a couple of pints up the The Bull, mind you she did always seem keen to have it over and done with by the time The Antiques Roadshow was on.
Long live romance.
Tuesday 10 July 2012
Blooming rain...
Rain, rain go bloody away and don't come back another day.
We all know soon as they said 'hosepipe ban' that it would be the St Swithin's Day scenario all over again.
I know we expect rain in this green and pleasant land but this is ridiculous. Mind you, suited me to start off with, more in the back of the cab; can't be arsed to walk if it means getting wet can they. But this is beyond a joke - what about golf, my only let off from the constant nagging from her indoors, the delectable Tina. Can't even use golf as an excuse for a swift session at the local. Too bad she knows I am a fair weather Jack Nicklaus.
More's to the point - what about the bloody wedding on Saturday I've forked out my bloody life savings for. Marquee in the garden she says, impresses the neighbours no end. Our Shelley's no oil painting but wellington boots on your nuptials is not a good look on anyone.
Just looked at the forecast, more of the bleeding same. I suppose we'll have to carry on regardless, stiff upper lip and Pimms on tap.
Mind you there could be a light at the end of the proverbial rainbow. If we have a thunderstorm that'll keep Tina away from anything electrical, including the karaoke mike. No more renditions of the oh so appropriate It's Raining Men.
We all know soon as they said 'hosepipe ban' that it would be the St Swithin's Day scenario all over again.
I know we expect rain in this green and pleasant land but this is ridiculous. Mind you, suited me to start off with, more in the back of the cab; can't be arsed to walk if it means getting wet can they. But this is beyond a joke - what about golf, my only let off from the constant nagging from her indoors, the delectable Tina. Can't even use golf as an excuse for a swift session at the local. Too bad she knows I am a fair weather Jack Nicklaus.
More's to the point - what about the bloody wedding on Saturday I've forked out my bloody life savings for. Marquee in the garden she says, impresses the neighbours no end. Our Shelley's no oil painting but wellington boots on your nuptials is not a good look on anyone.
Just looked at the forecast, more of the bleeding same. I suppose we'll have to carry on regardless, stiff upper lip and Pimms on tap.
Mind you there could be a light at the end of the proverbial rainbow. If we have a thunderstorm that'll keep Tina away from anything electrical, including the karaoke mike. No more renditions of the oh so appropriate It's Raining Men.
Saturday 7 July 2012
Who can you count on
Libor , Labour, Liberal funny how they all sound similar, confuses the hell out of me. Does anyone bloody understand it at all. Bankers we all know rhymes with wan.......s so does it surprise us then to find that there have been even more dingy dirty dealings?
I've been known to avoid paying bloody income tax by putting through a dodgy expenses and petrol receipts. But who I am harming? What am I saving? a few measly hundred.
These boys are in it for the big bucks - have them in the back showing off about their bar bills and birds in the private members' clubs. Mind you they tip well, like to throw their money around.
I bank with the big blue have done for 40 years, you do don't you; once you get a bank you can't be arsed to change, who else would want my overdraft? They're all the bloody same aren't they, Tina went on about the Co-op bank once thought she could get some sort of divvy on her paltry 'Hair at Home' money and they were 'ethical'. Told her not to bloody worry I'm 'sure she doesn't even understands what ethics are when they're at home.
Makes you feel even smaller any insignificant in the bloody scheme of things, The common man that's me I suppose - what do I count. Someone tells me the interest rate goes up, goes down, I just go along with it, have to, like the rest of the lemmings.
This Libor thing is all about hiking the interest rates between banks so they pay each other more, you scratch my back I scratch your back even harder - if you know what I mean. Whose money are they doing it with though - Our bloody money. I'm beginning to think those protesters camping outside St Paul's had it right, and not just a bunch of lay-a-bouts. They wanted things to change, they knew it was all corrupt not just a few mortgages somewhere in the Florida outback going tits up.
When the shit really hits the fan who gets trodden on - us fucking lot not the nobs and barrow boy bankers. That two man tent in the shed might get some bloody use after all.
I've been known to avoid paying bloody income tax by putting through a dodgy expenses and petrol receipts. But who I am harming? What am I saving? a few measly hundred.
These boys are in it for the big bucks - have them in the back showing off about their bar bills and birds in the private members' clubs. Mind you they tip well, like to throw their money around.
I bank with the big blue have done for 40 years, you do don't you; once you get a bank you can't be arsed to change, who else would want my overdraft? They're all the bloody same aren't they, Tina went on about the Co-op bank once thought she could get some sort of divvy on her paltry 'Hair at Home' money and they were 'ethical'. Told her not to bloody worry I'm 'sure she doesn't even understands what ethics are when they're at home.
Makes you feel even smaller any insignificant in the bloody scheme of things, The common man that's me I suppose - what do I count. Someone tells me the interest rate goes up, goes down, I just go along with it, have to, like the rest of the lemmings.
This Libor thing is all about hiking the interest rates between banks so they pay each other more, you scratch my back I scratch your back even harder - if you know what I mean. Whose money are they doing it with though - Our bloody money. I'm beginning to think those protesters camping outside St Paul's had it right, and not just a bunch of lay-a-bouts. They wanted things to change, they knew it was all corrupt not just a few mortgages somewhere in the Florida outback going tits up.
When the shit really hits the fan who gets trodden on - us fucking lot not the nobs and barrow boy bankers. That two man tent in the shed might get some bloody use after all.
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